Friday, November 9, 2012
Thank you for being my wonderful friends !
Current Mood : Taking stock.
Gotta apologize again for being so emotional yesterday. You don’t need my life Samsonite, you probably have a closet-full of your own. Thing is, this is the one place I can express myself, with no censors save my own. Thanks for being here with me – and being there when I need a friendly voice. I really appreciate it, and it’ll help for a long time.
I was gonna whitewash this, but if you put up with yesterday, I think you deserve the whole story. Truth of the matter is, it wasn’t a friend who pretty much shattered my self-image last night – it was Beloved Hubby. So don’t be surprised of the ‘Beloved’ part vanishes for a while. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about everything he unloaded on me, I’m kind of in shock. We had a discussion yesterday that started with me feeling marginalized and squelched lately, and ignored most other times, and that part of the dialog lasted five minutes. Then it switched to an hour monologue of everything he thinks of me, and not one whit of it was good. I sat there, tears pouring down my face, with an expression of sick horror, not believing what he was saying…and he kept going. He was like the Energizer Bunny of Blame. I am not going to repeat what was said, but suffice to say that even if it needed to be said, I’d have never hurt him – or anyone - the way his words hurt me.
Oh *&^%k, it hurt, and some of his words were worthy of consideration, but it could have been handled much better. And we never did return to addressing my issues – after all, I’m selfish and every thought, word, and deed I’ve ever had is negative, so what would be the point ? He’s a saint, I’m the worst thing humanity has somehow birthed in the last century, or at least since Hitler. No, those aren’t his exact words, but that’s how I felt listening to the ones he did use. Somehow he knows exactly what I think and what I believe, and it’s all bad and negative. I had to wonder why, if he truly believed those things, why was he still here ? It was taking all I had to sit and listen to it.
He did this once before. He told a message board that the only reason we were still married was because he feared for Dearest Son. And he wonders why I have trust issues. He should be grateful I somehow forgave him for that, but this time, he’s hurt me too much to ever fully open up to him again. I think he may well have his self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ll probably forget, but I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive again.
An hour ago proved it. He made the incorrect assumption – because he knows how I think – that when Strawberry Shortcake came out, back in the 80s, I liked it. Um…I was an adult. I found it treacly and over-simplified, and didn’t pay attention to the videos. The ‘new’ version was more of the same, with updated clothes and such, but nothing ‘real’ besides ‘Sailor Moon Says’ style plots. I said I didn’t find anything of merit to me as an adult when I watched it – and he said I was wrong. Huh ? How can an opinion be wrong ? Evidently mine was.
I told him I didn’t appreciate him silencing me like that, it was an opinion, and I’d couched it as such. He said I’d said it like a final decree, and he wanted Dearest to make his own opinion. Love it how he sees my words as negative as possible. Perhaps it isn’t just me with that little issue.
Anyway. We’ve reached an uneasy peace, and I still don’t know how I’m gonna handle it all when the shock wears off. I agree about some of what he said, and I’m working on those issues as we speak, but I still feel attacked, and still think that if he thought my behavior needed some modification, there were far better ways to handle it. Especially if he thought I didn’t trust him before last night !
But, life goes on. I got behind in a trade, and have to work on that tonight. There’s the pants I sewed yesterday – same shirts as before – and I sewed a grey pair today that feels like close-cropped velvet. Possibly velveteen ? That's the problem when ya buy yard-sale fabric grab-bags, you have no idea what that stuff really is ! They came out *nice* , and as you see in today’s photo and will in tomorrow’s, they fit easily over their shoes. Yaaay ! Dearest Son and I finally got going on that no-sew tulle tutu for his dolls, and it came out great ! I cut up less than a third of the yard of tulle we bought, and had lots of the strips left, so we’ll probably make some for the ponies. Dearest did most of it himself, and I’m so proud of him !
I’ll be OK. Thanks to you all. Thanks for being my friends ! (big, sweeping hugs)