Monday, February 16, 2015
You might wanna skip this one, too...
(sigh) Feels like I’m absolved of one sin (my selfishness over a pricey Disney book that played out like a cheesy version of Guy de Maupassant’s “The Necklace”) and tumble headlong into a bigger one. I know I try to not get too personal here, but… well, you know we’ve been estranged from my parents since 2002. It never really stopped hurting, having to choose between them and my husband and son, being thrown out and cursed for my choice, but life goes on and you have to live what you chose, or else. Occasionally I’d get a poison pen e-mail from Mother, which I’d try to ignore, realizing she’s hurt and bitter and will probably never see that she hurt herself more than I ever could. And that I simply can’t let her damage continue to another generation, so all I can do is keep moving on.
The notes were especially vicious this week. And I completely understand why. But if there are hundreds of ways to tell your disinherited, disowned daughter that her father has died, she pretty much chose the worst possible one. I’m not the inhuman monster she writes I am (maybe I am, right now, I really don’t know), I miss and mourn my father. But I also mourned the relationship I wanted and begged them for, for three years after we were ordered out of ‘their’ state. No, I’m not going to the funeral, yes, it freakin’ hurts, but I just can’t. If Mother was poison ten years ago, I don’t even want to be in the same time zone when she’s grieving and has blamed me for his heart disease for the last five years.
I’d love to believe we could reconcile at this worst of times, but I read her little love note from yesterday and know that’s as much of a fantasy now as it was in 2002. I think I’ve always been a disappointment to her, she sure let me know it daily growing up, so if she wants to believe I’m the worst creature ever spit from Hades, well, it’s far from a brand new thought to her. And I’m not gonna let Dearest Son be eviscerated by her the way I was just because I miss what I never had and sure as all (expletive deleted) ain’t getting now.
Sorry. Just… give me a day or two to deal and I’ll go back to scrap crafting and saying we’re broke, but look at this embroidery design I’ll add to the thousands of others I haven’t sewn yet that I got at 40% discount on today ! Like the rock trolls said, people don’t really change, and you know what I am, pretty much. Sorry if these past few days have altered your opinion, but I’d rather you know that Mother was probably right about me.
It kind of says something that I completely forgot about Toy Fair this year…