Current Mood : Disappointed with me.
Current Image Notes : Believe it or not, this is an all-new whaaamulance...
Dearest Son had a semi-early day today - he had to clean up his Hoarders-level room and grab a shower before DFIL picked him up in the early afternoon for a visit. He's getting better about his room, but it still gets out of hand if I don't keep after him, and I haven't had the wind power to go in there, much less nag to the standards he's accustomed. I'm not too demanding about his space, especially after my white-glove childhood, but when cars and Lego and action figures and remote-control magazines and catalogs are ankle deep, and I can't get in there to put away laundry, it's time to make things happen !
(sigh) Now I have to write what's really bugging me. I'm being petty and small and mean, and I hate to confess being so, but it's the only way I'll learn and hopefully not repeat this over and over. I hate for ya'll to know the truth of how I really am, but I can't keep lying forever.
So here's the deal. Beloved Hubby's been working ridiculous hours. He literally has more work than he can do, and I'm really worried for him. But at the same time, I'm petty enough to be restless and growly, because I really haven't been out of the house all month. I know, I'm lucky to be safe and cool at home when I'm sick anyway, but I'm jangly and wired and just want some time out of here - time that says I'm important and I matter.
That's not to say Beloved has been saying that I'm not important to him. Far from it ! By the time he gets home, it's all he can do to have a mouthful of dinner before he passes out in bed and starts another grueling day. I shouldn't be complaining, but here we are, you're reading me whine. Why ? It's stupid and petty and mean of me, and the reason I'm all ruffled up is because we were supposed to go out a bit tonight, and weren't able to. Beloved made a special effort and got off early, and we even got a special dinner, and spent some time together, watching Top Shot and messing around online and such after dinner. We both knew that the evening's first priority was tackling brake pad replacements to the Diesel - she was in need, and I won't compromise his safety. It's just that...we've done brake jobs before. I even help bleed 'em. It always takes Beloved less than an hour or so every year or three, start to finish. We had plenty of time...I thought.
Yup. Took three hours. There were major issues that took far longer than expected, and it's only because our wonderful across-the-street neighbors kindly drove Beloved back to the car parts place for a the third time - they gave us gas-truck parts, not Diesel-truck parts, there is a difference - that we finished before it was too dark to do so. Of course, by then, TRU was closed, Beloved was wiped out, and none of the other stores had what I wanted. TRU online was even sold out, and Amazon wasn't getting new stock until July. I knew there was nothing for it, and was glad the Diesel was safe again, but...
I was upset. There'd be no time tomorrow, he was already booked because he took time off today. Saturday he had to lead an Airsoft group, or there wasn't gonna be a game - he'd already tried to get out of it earlier - before heading back to work. Maybe Wednesday or next Thursday...
Luckily I kept my mouth mostly shut and Beloved's safe in bed. I didn't cry or screech or anything, I just sort of moped. He knows I'm stupidly disappointed, but doesn't think I'm being unreasonable, there's simply nothing he can do. And I know, and I appreciate all he does... but I still feel let down and a bit unimportant.
So I watched Parking Wars, got a good hate for humanity in general going on, and tidied up the living room a bit. Much better. (sigh) Next week isn't so bad, it's just a few more days. Life's fulla disappointments, and if I'm this wound up about a darn doll set, I really do need to take a few (hundred) steps back. Yeah, at the core of this is the fact that I want the new Clawd/DracuLaura set, and TRU is the only place around here what has it. I am so spoiled, somebody should really kick my butt. It's not like Mattel makes one of anything, ya know. I just need to get over m'self.
But I am a petty and ridiculous person. I'm still trying to figure out how to defuse it, and why I get so wound up over what's essentially meaningless. Wish me luck on this character fault - it's been in there probably since birth !
Without going into much detail, I can kind of related to wanting to be seen as special. My boyfriend and I are in a LDR and he works literally all the time, so talk time is very slim and mostly in texts to each other. I sometimes feel the "not special" feeling myself and feel bad for it because I know if he had more time we'd talk more. He doesn't even have time for himself. He understands my disappointment and let's me have, to a degree of course. I try not to make to big a stink about it so I don't upset him. I know it's not his fault. So I understand what you mean and I can relate and you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. We are human. As long as you don't make to big of a stink about, have your pout to get it out and feel better. I've had many a pout, so I kind of feel like an expert on the topic. ;-)
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