I'm back again. Again !

My new pattern, on My Size Elsa. You'll meet her soon !

So. After, what, nearly a year and a half ? I’m gonna try this again. My various medical maladies have been stable for a year, I’m no longer in and out of the VA hospital so many times, they’re considering named a revolving door after me. I’m hoping to continue my health where it is or better – I’m walking, I’m more active, and I’m slowly finding myself again.

Bluntly, 2016 and 2017 were the worst years of my life, I hope. I’ve survived rejection, surgery, extreme insomnia, abandonment, death, severe prescription drug interactions, understanding painkiller addictions, tears, repeated lies, destruction of self-esteem, minor self-destruction, personal crises, three weeks of nightmares, oxygen starvation, rehab, and ongoing therapy. I’ve learned a lot, and there was joy and learning in between the misery, but I’ll be (expletive deleted) happy if I NEVER have to live anything like that again.

Don’t mean to be a downer, but you deserve to know the truth, even if I gloss over some of it, since you’re still reading this. I’ve contemplated restarting this for weeks, and I thank all of you who encouraged me on Facebook to do so.

After Life had me questioning everything, the truth remains, or returns. As I’ve said, I’m in group therapy, and thanks to the support of that group and a great therapist, I’m doing pretty well. I’m not where I was when I first introduced myself late last year, so I’m calling it an ongoing win. I’m learning about myself, and while it may be hard to believe that someone who wrote a blog for over ten years still had much to learn about herself, well, there it is. There are things and feelings we hide from even our truest self, much less the ones who love us, and I’m having to face them. I’m taking a ‘be aware, then take the best and leave the rest’ approach – may not work for everyone, but so far, so good !

Never fear, though – I still love dolls and sewing, even though they took a serious bashing in the Barrel of Awfulness, too. I haven’t sewn in weeks, and when I did, it was super-simple, but I designed it, and created the pattern for it, using the doll's box. And I’m proud of it. I’ve spent most of my life seeking approval and self-esteem in others’ eyes, I’m creakily learning to generate it from myself, for myself. Then, how to share it without being overbearing or expecting anything at all in return.

I feel stable for the first time in months, stable enough to do this. Please come with me if you like ! I’ll do my best to be here every day. Thanks always for sharing your day with me.